Sexual Healing

NOTE: While I do not tag this blog as having adult content this particular posts deal with adult themes that are sexual in nature. 

Intimacy was the last thing I was expecting anxiety to grab onto and pull down its vicious spiral. I have had anxiety about sex for years, but every since the great panic attack of 2010, it's only gotten worse...WAY worse. Just for a little background, my wife and I have been married for 2 years, but we've been together for 14 years. We stared dating in high school when I was 14 years old and have been inseparable ever since. Thus, my wife is the only person I have ever been with sexually.

Several years ago my wife came to me about some concerns she had about our sex life. Essentially, they were criticisms about the way I do things in bed. My wife was very kind about this. She wasn't angry, mean, or belittling. She put it in a manner that should have been considered constructive criticism. I say, "should" because that's not the way I took it. Once of my biggest problems, especially in this regard is taking something someone said turning into the biggest catastrophe that has ever occurred on the face of this Earth. So I took what she said and turned into the most negative thoughts I could conjure such as: "She doesn't find me attractive", "She hates having sex with me", "I disappoint my wife", "I suck at sex", "I'll never be good at sex" and the list goes on and on.  I have these thoughts and they never escape form my brain. So when my wife wants to be intimate all the aforementioned thoughts rush into my head. It's not easy trying to make love to your wife when all your thinking about is how much you suck at it. This has been the pattern for years, and I just can't seem to shake it.

Then the biggest embarrassment comes along when I can't get it up. Suddenly, sex becomes the most frustrating activity. I am frustrated because I think I suck at sex and I am frustrated because I am 28 years old and can't get it up. What happens next is my wife doesn’t think I am attracted to her and the moment is ruined. The worst part about this is it's a vicious cycle. I am negative about sex, so then we have crappy sex, which in turn proves my negative thoughts, and the cycle continues. When this first started and she would ask me "what's wrong" I would shut down and I can't even remember what excuses I would make. I do remember causing a fight one time by blaming her. I am always looking for someone beside myself to blame. I told her it's because she criticized me. That wasn't very smart, or true, but I didn't care enough to look inside and really realize what the problem was.

At one point, fairly recently actually, these thoughts became so intense I had zero interest in sex. None, at all. I didn't want to have sex with my wife or anyone else. I even stopped masturbating. Getting it up was difficult and even if I managed to, my penis was numb-ish. I knew there was nothing wrong with me; I knew this was all psychological.

This time around in addition to thinking that I suck at sex, I started comparing myself to people. I began learning how many times men have sex in a day or masturbate in a day and I new I could never be up to par, even when my libido was good. My wife and I talked about it; we also fought about it, and then talked some more. It was during one of these fights that my wife brought up the fact that I have no self-esteem.

It was absolutely brilliant. Clearly, my sexual problems stem from the fact that I no confidence in my abilities. I was constantly thinking negative thoughts, when I could have just taken my wife's constructive criticism, thought about in a positive way and had the confidence to change and be a good lover. Unfortunately, that wasn't the route I chose and have wasted a lot of time and energy fighting with my wife about this.

Eventually, I came out of my funk. Currently, I am on an upswing and intimacy is going well. However, my upswings don't last forever, so I need to find some self-esteem quick before I head downhill again.

I would love to hear your stories about how anxiety has made you struggle with intimacy. Please share your resolutions and how you overcame it.