Bullies

Bullies have always been a problem since I was in elementary school. I was easy target because I was the small guy. I was shorter, skinnier, and weaker than the rest of my peers. I was always afraid of the bullies too and I never fought back. I can't decide if I was lucky or if it was extreme fear of fighting back that prevented me from ever getting the shit kicked out of me. I would get pushed around, slammed against lockers and have my lunch money taken. When you think about it, it's pretty mild compared to some stories of bullying that I hear about today.

There was a small hiatus of a couple years when I was free from bullies. The later years of elementary school was free of ridicule. Probably a combination of luck and being the oldest class on campus provided me this freedom. It's when I entered middle school that it started all over again. Once again I was at the bottom, a 6th grader, and of course still smaller than everyone else. Once the bullying started again I was mortified. It was a stage that I hoped had come and passed, but alas I was wrong. In middle school I was constantly threatened that I would get beat up if I didn't hand over lunch money. A few slams against the gym lockers was the harshest physical abuse I took, which was in the beginning so they could convey they were serious. Yes, they. There was a group of about 3-4 boys. Sometimes they would bully me together and sometimes by themselves. I didn't tell anyone, not my mom, not my dad, not the teacher, not my friends, nobody. I was so embarrassed by the ordeal I didn't want anyone to know. Now, obviously some people knew. The people that witnessed me get bullied by these guys. Some were classmates and acquaintances, but nobody I would call a friend. So I continued to let myself be bullied. It even got to the point where I would approach them and hand over money willingly just so they would leave me alone.

Unfortunately, this trend of letting people walk all over me has become a constant in my life. Although the bullying was rather mild, it was pretty traumatic. I used to dread getting up in the morning and thinking about how I would have to face them. Now, I never feared for my safety since I had worked out a plan of just handing over money, I was fairly confident I would be free from physical harm. I think I knew deep down inside what I was doing was wrong, that I was letting the bullies walk all over me, that they had trained me like a dog to just hand over money. I knew this was ridiculous, but I just kept telling myself there was nothing I could do about it. I feared if I told a teacher, it would only bring more attention to me, people might find out what was happening, maybe even my parents would find out. The embarrassment kept from telling anyone. Plus I was worried if I reported these bullies, once their punishment was over they really would come beat me up and nothing scared me more.

Here I am today 17 years or so later and I still think about those bullies. I feel that they stole a part of my life, like a portion of it was lost to them because of the fear they instilled and how they controlled me like a puppet. This is where I feel like I officially lost my spine, self-respect, self-worth and any self-esteem I did have.