The Blame Game

Well, I think I blamed everyone that I can for my psychological problems. That was the easy part, but it would be ridiculous to not hold myself accountable as well. While it might have been my parents, bullies or other factors that planted the seed, I continued to let it grow. Not only did I let it grow uncontrollably.
I knew that letting the bullies pick on me, letting my friends take advantage of me, and constantly ignoring problems and feelings was not good. These things made me feel bad, unhappy & anxious. Any rational person would put a stop to anything that makes them unhappy, but I didn't. I let the problems continue and let them fester inside until the problem metastasized into the psychological baggage I carry with me today. There are lots of things I could have done. I could have told a teacher about the bullies, I could have asked my Dad for help, albeit his absence. My mother was always trying to have a close mother and son relationship, urging me to talk all the time, but I resisted. Even if she was a cause of some of my problems, she may have helped me stop the bullies by talking to school administrators.

Why didn't I do anything? Shame and embarrassment. I don't know where I learned to harbor shame and embarrassment so intensely. I am sure I could find someone to blame. :0)  Regardless where I got it from, I was so embarrassed and ashamed that I was willing to do nothing and suffer instead. I don't know why I was embarrassed, I did not do anything wrong, I was the victim.

Suffering has become an important word for me within the last year. Sometime after my diagnosis I decided to take a meditation class that was held at a Buddhist temple, hoping I could use it as a tool to control my anxiety. It was an enjoyable experience and I am glad I did it, but the practice of mediation did not stick. However, my teacher who was a resident priest was speaking about Buddhist practices and she expressed a common motto amongst the practitioners of Zen Buddhism. "Suffering is optional". She explained that bad things happen and we have no control over the bad things happening. So we can worry about our problems we cannot fix and suffer, or we find resolutions to our problems and not suffer. It's not like I have never heard of this type of expression usually, "You can't do anything about it, so don't worry about it", but somehow this time it clicked. I think it's because I finally applied it to my anxiety and realized for the first time that I was cause of my suffering.