Episode #1

As I continue to write this blog I will release random posts call "Episodes" in addition to my regularly scheduled post. Thus far, my posts have dealt with events that have already happened or I just discuss ideas, feelings, and how I battle anxiety/panic disorder. I find it prudent to write post soon after an anxiety/panic episode or any events that caused me to self examine and try to rid myself of this condition. This way readers will get an idea of how often anxiety/panic occurs, where, for what reasons, and what I did to prevail over the anxiety. Or on the hand I will also tell you if I failed.

So lets begin episode #1....

Part I

I mentioned in my last post about my sexual problems I have been having with my wife. At the end I proudly announced I was on an upswing and currently doing well. However, this didn't necessarily mean that my wife and I were finished discussing my sexual problems. I am sure I secretly wished we were, but my wife wanted to talk about it more. I cannot blame her, I often give vague answers, or she contemplates my answers from a previous discussion and then has follow-up questions.

This weekend we talked about it, and talked about it. Sadly, by the 3rd discussion we ended up fighting. Conversations like this are difficult, one of us usually gets frustrated which leads to being upset then yelling, crying and such begin. The topic we were discussing was why I don't like sex. We went through many reasons I discussed in my last post, such as lack of confidence, negative thoughts, embarrassment, shame etc. We even got to this interesting point, where my wife asked me what do I do to alleviate the anxiety about sex. My answer was "avoid sex". "Why do you avoid sex?” my wife asked. "Because if we have sex I will make it bad, then we will fight", I said. She then said, "So you avoid sex to avoid fighting, but right now were fighting because you won't have sex with me". 

DAMMIT! I think part of my condition is when anxiety/panic begins I think, "What can I do right now to make this feeling go away". However, I do not think of how this decision might affect other people, or what effects it my have in the future. 

Even though this weekend was quite stressful, after all the talking and fighting, in the end I have to say I had a couple mini-breakthrough's and I am feeling very positive about having sex again.

Part II

Today I started my class; it's not a "real" class. I am not attending for a degree or credits. It's just a fun pottery class at a local art center. I have been doing this same exact class for almost a year. I take the same class over and over because I love the instructor and even consider him my mentor. Many of my classmates feel the same way so every time I enroll in this class there are always a handful of people I know, so it's never just all strangers. 

This morning as I was preparing to leave, anxiety started to set in. I was experiencing rapid heartbeat, sweaty palms, dizziness, etc. Now why would I be anxious? I was excited to get back to wheel throwing; I was excited to see my teacher and my friends. Well, it has to do with something that happened last quarter.

A few months back I was having a hard time with my panic disorder. One thing that people with panic disorder do is panic about panicking. I know it sounds insane, but this is why agoraphobics don't go outside. They do not actually fear the outside; it's the fear of being outside, out of your comfort zone, around other people and having a panic attack. It's a crappy feeling. Last quarter I was having a lot of anxiety and I thought about panicking in front of people, so naturally I started to panic in class. I left and went to the bathroom to try and compose myself. I did some deep breaths, splashed my face with cold water and went back to class. Amazingly, I was able to remain calm-ish for the duration of class. 

When class ended, I headed home on the subway. As soon as I got in the subway, I noticed people everywhere, it was packed like a sardine can. Panic started again except it kicked itself up 2 notches. I DID NOT want to panic in front of people. Mostly, I think because I just find it completely humiliating. I felt so bad I seriously thought I was going to pass out. I tried to stay on the train and push through it, but every time I watched the doors close I felt trapped, like I had no where to go. If I panicked I didn’t have a place to run or hide. After about 2-3 stops I got off the train. I was so panicked I couldn't get on a bus, or a taxi. I was miles from home and didn't know what to do. I ended up walking for a couple hours before biting the bullet and getting a taxi to take me home because I knew it would be the fastest way, and home is where I needed to be. I barely survived it, but once I got home in my safety zone, I was able to calm down.

This whole scenario got into my head, which is why I became nervous about class this morning. I was panicking about panicking in front of my classmates. "I did it once, who says it won't happen again" is what I thought. I don't know if I can say I dealt with it in the best way. Before I left I went and took a small amount of Clonazepam and headed on my way. By time I got to class I was feeling better. I started talking to my classmates and the thoughts were gone. Sometimes distraction is the best method for anxiety.

Do any of you with panic disorder have the problem about panicking about panicking? How has it affected you and do you have any special methods to deal with this?