Just because I have daddy issues and he is the first one I blame for my low self-esteem doesn't mean my mother didn't have a part in this too. For years I used to blame my dad for the divorce since he cheated on my mom. But as I got older and began to realize the type of person my mother was I think the divorce is just as much as her fault as it is his. I am not justifying my dad's infidelity by saying she "made" him cheat, but both of my parents are terrible at relationships. It became so clear later on in life that they didn't event try to save their marriage. Both of them are very emotional people, in the extreme, and they act on their emotions without thinking about anything else. There is no way they ever sat down and tried to talk it out, work out a compromise, apologize to one another (and mean it). They just yelled and screamed and wouldn't be happy until they got their way. So 2 stubborn people unwilling to listen, talk and compromise are clearly headed for divorce.
Once I had this revelation about my mother I started thinking about other things she said or did. I tired to really evaluate the kind of person she was and not believe everything she told me. She would say lots of things that I would sort brush off and not think much of it...or so I thought. I think on some sort of unconscious level I was taking these things to heart, which was leading me down a path of self loathing.
Since I was a kid I have always known that I was different. As previously mentioned, I was always smaller, shorter, skinny and weak compared to other boys my age. Let's face it I still am! I also hated playing sports, I still do. I have no interest in playing sports, watching sports or talking about sports. When I did try and play sports it was an utter disaster. You know those kids that are afraid of the ball? You know those kids that run the wrong way on the soccer field? Yeah, that was me. These differences were always glaring me right in the face. All of my male friends and acquaintances were bigger than me and they all played sports. I always envied them; I wanted to be like them. I tried not to think about it much, but my mother made it impossible.
My mother is one of those people that is always trying to keep up appearances, constantly coveting what other people have and wishing she could be like them (geez I wonder where I get that from). My entire life she has always been comparing me to other boys my age from school, church, boy scouts, etc. Every once an awhile my mother would come and tell me I should style my hair like so-and-so because his hair looks so awesome. I should buy clothes and copy the style of the older boys at church so I could look cool too. She also constantly tried to get me to play sports, just like all the other boys. I have a vivid memory of her trying to get into street hockey. Seriously? I can't even throw a football.
Eventually as I became older I realized that she wanted a son like her friends had, not the one she had. Not only did I want to be different, but my mom wanted me to be different too. This convinced me that there was something seriously wrong with me. I tried some of her suggestions, primarily anything to do with style. I refused to even try and play sports, as prior experiences were a complete failure.
My mother is still the same, but since I am an adult now and live 2,000 miles away from her there is not much for her say. Luckily, I also set some boundaries and now understands I will not do anything she says.
I've realized what my mother did was wrong. Always telling me to be like some else and never telling me to embrace my differences. But like everything else these ideas have been ingrained inside of me. It's just another demon that needs to be cast out.
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