A New Beginning.....Again.

The other night I had a fight with my wife. She tells me she wants a divorce. After the fight was over and we calmed down, she explained that she didn't really want a divorce, but she was just scared that I would always be the way I am and never change. She was worried that my anxiety would never be under control, that I would always worry about what others thought of me, and constantly find reasons to be unhappy and being her down with me.

I couldn't blame her. I always wonder what it is like to be with me and trying to deal with me and all my issues. I know it can't be easy and if she got tired of it, I could understand. Luckily, we were able to talk through it that night. My wife is totally supportive and has been a huge help since the beginning. This talk we had was a total wake up call. I am not very self aware and I didn't realize how unhappy I was and bringing my wife down with me, preventing her from being happy as well.

I have to say there have been many times that I thought I had a "wake up call" or found some clarity. Things would be good and positive for awhile, but eventually I find myself back in the pits of self-loathing, obsession, pessimism, and unhappiness. So what makes this time so different?

I think I have finally figured out my core problem. My therapist always told me that for every reason I am anxious or have a panic attack, there is a core belief that I am not facing. I need to find out what that core belief is and find a way to deal with it. This method was actually really helpful, but little did I know I was misidentifying my core belief. I was just barely scratching the surface and not digging deep into the depths of my soul. So if I was anxious or panic stricken about handling some sort of adult responsibility, I always thought my core belief was that I would anger my wife and she would leave me, because I could not handle being an adult. I know it sounds a over dramatic, but catastrophizing (not sure that's a real word, but it's what my therapist and I use) is something I do best. Create unrealistic worst case scenario's in my head and believe that it will happen.

So this entire time I thought it was all about fear of my wife leaving me, I really wasn't digging deep enough. But finally, during this fight/talk I had with my wife the other night, she pointed out as a suggestion a problem I might have. As soon as she said it, it was like a light bulb went on. It made perfect sense and could explain everything. She said maybe the reason I refuse to be happy is to garner the attention of others so they can tell me that I am fine or "normal". In other words, low self-esteem.

It's so spot on I can't believe I never though of it before. It explains why I have panic disorder, anxiety, self-loathing, and pessimism. It explains why I have ruined our wedding, our honeymoon, and countless vacations. It explains why I have sexual problems, why I am dishonest and a myriad of other problems. It all boils down to low self esteem. Therefore, if can fix that, then hopefully, just hopefully all my other problems will be fixed.

So what the plan? Well, it's still in the works but I am starting off with a self-help book. I have never read a self-help book because, frankly, I think they are all a little cheesy and written terribly. But I have to start somewhere, and you never know, maybe I will find something helpful. I am also going to try and be more self-aware, notice when I am not happy and deal with it so it only last a few hours instead of a few weeks. Lastly, I will probably share this revelation with my therapist, but I don't have an appointment for a couple months so we will see how I fare on my own for now.