Self-Help Book

Right after my first posts "A new beginning...again", I decided I should try a self-book. I have avoided self-help books because I have preconceived notions of what these books are like. And boy oh boy my notions were correct. 

I did not really know how to go about finding a self-help book. I wanted one to help with my self-esteem & self-worth. I did the easiest thing I could think of and did an Amazon search and sorted the books by ratings. "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown was at the top of the list. I browsed around a bit and read a preview of this book and some others, and this one seemed the least annoying. The kindle version was cheap so I went I bought. I tried to put my preconceived notions aside and give the book a chance. I got about 25% through and I couldn't do any more. 

Just as I imagined it was full of cheesy quotes and acronyms invented by the author. The tone of the book is probably what annoyed me the most. It all just seemed a little "fake" to me. The author tries to connect by empathizing with the reader, like she saying "I've been where you have been before". I have trouble connecting with the author in that manner; I suppose it could just be that we are different people. She's a female executive and I am a man that works from home. I just feel that while we both have experienced anxiety, it just wasn't in the same way. Her anecdotes seem somewhat dramatized, in addition to her recovery of dealing with anxiety and lack of self-worth. Also, in my opinion, the book is poorly written; she writes like she talking and it's formatted like a 9th grade essay with a introduction, body, and conclusion. I don't mean to rip apart this lady's book. I am sure she is a nice person that really wants to help people, but her book just isn't for me.

Readers, this is a cry for help. I want a self-help book, but I am so picky. Please help me find something good. Here are my requirements:

•  I don't want a book full of cheesy quotes.
•  I want the author to speak with some intelligence, not like a hockey mom.
•  I don't want books with weirdo exercises like staring into a mirror repeating self-affirmations.
•  I would like something that can offer some good philosophy, but not religion specific. I find a lot  of self help books are Christian oriented which I do not want.

Please readers, I am open to suggestions and would love to hear what books you have read that helped you in a big way.

Episode #1

As I continue to write this blog I will release random posts call "Episodes" in addition to my regularly scheduled post. Thus far, my posts have dealt with events that have already happened or I just discuss ideas, feelings, and how I battle anxiety/panic disorder. I find it prudent to write post soon after an anxiety/panic episode or any events that caused me to self examine and try to rid myself of this condition. This way readers will get an idea of how often anxiety/panic occurs, where, for what reasons, and what I did to prevail over the anxiety. Or on the hand I will also tell you if I failed.

So lets begin episode #1....

Part I

I mentioned in my last post about my sexual problems I have been having with my wife. At the end I proudly announced I was on an upswing and currently doing well. However, this didn't necessarily mean that my wife and I were finished discussing my sexual problems. I am sure I secretly wished we were, but my wife wanted to talk about it more. I cannot blame her, I often give vague answers, or she contemplates my answers from a previous discussion and then has follow-up questions.

This weekend we talked about it, and talked about it. Sadly, by the 3rd discussion we ended up fighting. Conversations like this are difficult, one of us usually gets frustrated which leads to being upset then yelling, crying and such begin. The topic we were discussing was why I don't like sex. We went through many reasons I discussed in my last post, such as lack of confidence, negative thoughts, embarrassment, shame etc. We even got to this interesting point, where my wife asked me what do I do to alleviate the anxiety about sex. My answer was "avoid sex". "Why do you avoid sex?” my wife asked. "Because if we have sex I will make it bad, then we will fight", I said. She then said, "So you avoid sex to avoid fighting, but right now were fighting because you won't have sex with me". 

DAMMIT! I think part of my condition is when anxiety/panic begins I think, "What can I do right now to make this feeling go away". However, I do not think of how this decision might affect other people, or what effects it my have in the future. 

Even though this weekend was quite stressful, after all the talking and fighting, in the end I have to say I had a couple mini-breakthrough's and I am feeling very positive about having sex again.

Part II

Today I started my class; it's not a "real" class. I am not attending for a degree or credits. It's just a fun pottery class at a local art center. I have been doing this same exact class for almost a year. I take the same class over and over because I love the instructor and even consider him my mentor. Many of my classmates feel the same way so every time I enroll in this class there are always a handful of people I know, so it's never just all strangers. 

This morning as I was preparing to leave, anxiety started to set in. I was experiencing rapid heartbeat, sweaty palms, dizziness, etc. Now why would I be anxious? I was excited to get back to wheel throwing; I was excited to see my teacher and my friends. Well, it has to do with something that happened last quarter.

A few months back I was having a hard time with my panic disorder. One thing that people with panic disorder do is panic about panicking. I know it sounds insane, but this is why agoraphobics don't go outside. They do not actually fear the outside; it's the fear of being outside, out of your comfort zone, around other people and having a panic attack. It's a crappy feeling. Last quarter I was having a lot of anxiety and I thought about panicking in front of people, so naturally I started to panic in class. I left and went to the bathroom to try and compose myself. I did some deep breaths, splashed my face with cold water and went back to class. Amazingly, I was able to remain calm-ish for the duration of class. 

When class ended, I headed home on the subway. As soon as I got in the subway, I noticed people everywhere, it was packed like a sardine can. Panic started again except it kicked itself up 2 notches. I DID NOT want to panic in front of people. Mostly, I think because I just find it completely humiliating. I felt so bad I seriously thought I was going to pass out. I tried to stay on the train and push through it, but every time I watched the doors close I felt trapped, like I had no where to go. If I panicked I didn’t have a place to run or hide. After about 2-3 stops I got off the train. I was so panicked I couldn't get on a bus, or a taxi. I was miles from home and didn't know what to do. I ended up walking for a couple hours before biting the bullet and getting a taxi to take me home because I knew it would be the fastest way, and home is where I needed to be. I barely survived it, but once I got home in my safety zone, I was able to calm down.

This whole scenario got into my head, which is why I became nervous about class this morning. I was panicking about panicking in front of my classmates. "I did it once, who says it won't happen again" is what I thought. I don't know if I can say I dealt with it in the best way. Before I left I went and took a small amount of Clonazepam and headed on my way. By time I got to class I was feeling better. I started talking to my classmates and the thoughts were gone. Sometimes distraction is the best method for anxiety.

Do any of you with panic disorder have the problem about panicking about panicking? How has it affected you and do you have any special methods to deal with this?

Sexual Healing

NOTE: While I do not tag this blog as having adult content this particular posts deal with adult themes that are sexual in nature. 

Intimacy was the last thing I was expecting anxiety to grab onto and pull down its vicious spiral. I have had anxiety about sex for years, but every since the great panic attack of 2010, it's only gotten worse...WAY worse. Just for a little background, my wife and I have been married for 2 years, but we've been together for 14 years. We stared dating in high school when I was 14 years old and have been inseparable ever since. Thus, my wife is the only person I have ever been with sexually.

Several years ago my wife came to me about some concerns she had about our sex life. Essentially, they were criticisms about the way I do things in bed. My wife was very kind about this. She wasn't angry, mean, or belittling. She put it in a manner that should have been considered constructive criticism. I say, "should" because that's not the way I took it. Once of my biggest problems, especially in this regard is taking something someone said turning into the biggest catastrophe that has ever occurred on the face of this Earth. So I took what she said and turned into the most negative thoughts I could conjure such as: "She doesn't find me attractive", "She hates having sex with me", "I disappoint my wife", "I suck at sex", "I'll never be good at sex" and the list goes on and on.  I have these thoughts and they never escape form my brain. So when my wife wants to be intimate all the aforementioned thoughts rush into my head. It's not easy trying to make love to your wife when all your thinking about is how much you suck at it. This has been the pattern for years, and I just can't seem to shake it.

Then the biggest embarrassment comes along when I can't get it up. Suddenly, sex becomes the most frustrating activity. I am frustrated because I think I suck at sex and I am frustrated because I am 28 years old and can't get it up. What happens next is my wife doesn’t think I am attracted to her and the moment is ruined. The worst part about this is it's a vicious cycle. I am negative about sex, so then we have crappy sex, which in turn proves my negative thoughts, and the cycle continues. When this first started and she would ask me "what's wrong" I would shut down and I can't even remember what excuses I would make. I do remember causing a fight one time by blaming her. I am always looking for someone beside myself to blame. I told her it's because she criticized me. That wasn't very smart, or true, but I didn't care enough to look inside and really realize what the problem was.

At one point, fairly recently actually, these thoughts became so intense I had zero interest in sex. None, at all. I didn't want to have sex with my wife or anyone else. I even stopped masturbating. Getting it up was difficult and even if I managed to, my penis was numb-ish. I knew there was nothing wrong with me; I knew this was all psychological.

This time around in addition to thinking that I suck at sex, I started comparing myself to people. I began learning how many times men have sex in a day or masturbate in a day and I new I could never be up to par, even when my libido was good. My wife and I talked about it; we also fought about it, and then talked some more. It was during one of these fights that my wife brought up the fact that I have no self-esteem.

It was absolutely brilliant. Clearly, my sexual problems stem from the fact that I no confidence in my abilities. I was constantly thinking negative thoughts, when I could have just taken my wife's constructive criticism, thought about in a positive way and had the confidence to change and be a good lover. Unfortunately, that wasn't the route I chose and have wasted a lot of time and energy fighting with my wife about this.

Eventually, I came out of my funk. Currently, I am on an upswing and intimacy is going well. However, my upswings don't last forever, so I need to find some self-esteem quick before I head downhill again.

I would love to hear your stories about how anxiety has made you struggle with intimacy. Please share your resolutions and how you overcame it.

Unforseen Physical Effects of Anxiety

When anxiety first became a problem, it was the mental anguish that bothered me the most. Thoughts of dread where racing through my mind constantly. I really thought I was going insane. The thoughts I was having were never so intense, so rapid, or so scary. Of course, I was having the typical physical effects that come with anxiety. Rapid heartbeat, sour stomach, sweating, and loss of appetite are the main ailments. This bothered me, and even increased my anxiety, but I figured once the anxiety was gone so would the physical effects. 

It turns out I was half way right. Depending on the level of anxiety I was having the physical effects may go away quickly. I use a scale to measure my anxiety similar to the one above. As long as I can stay below a 5, once the anxiety goes away then so does the physical symptoms, anything above, they tend to linger. Also, as my battle with anxiety went on I experienced new physical effects I didn't foresee coming.

During my most recent panic attacks, I started to experience dizziness. However, with the dizziness combined with the other physical ailments it felt as though my reality was distorted, like I was sinking into the depths of my anxiety, I found it difficult to get a grip. Additionally, I was weak and felt like I was going to pass out. When new physical symptoms come along this only increases my anxiety/panic, so as usual everything seems to spiral out of control.

After a period of severe anxiety or panic attack, although I may feel calm the physical symptoms take a toll on my body. Because my muscles were so tense while I was anxious, even after my episode, my body is still extremely tense and aches severely. Severe anxiety without fail always brings a loss of appetite, and its takes days before my stomach is settled and I can eat regularly again. 

About 9 months ago, I started to loose weight. It had been a while since I had severe anxiety, so I attributed it my new exercise routine. I wasn't losing an enormous amount of weight, but just a pound or two every month. Eventually, I stopped my exercise routine, but the pounds continued to shed. After 9 months I had almost lost 20 pounds. I went from 135lbs to almost 115lbs, so at this point I decided to see my doctor. I had a round of blood test and everything came back as normal. I told her since losing weight; I had an increasing loss of appetite. I ate way less thin I used to and even had trouble finishing all the food on my plate since I became so thin. I told her anxiety had been under control (which it had been for several months) so I was sure it wasn’t anxiety causing this. She then suggested that perhaps I lost my appetite first so then I lost weight. That didn't make sense to me. I know when my anxiety it effecting me and I know when it's under control as well and for the last 9 months or so my episodes were at the lowest ever. Her suggestion: eat more. I tried this, and I had small success, I was able to eat a little more, but not enough to gain much weight. After another couple months I went back to the doctor and had another round of blood test, and still nothing. I was perfectly fine. Great. I hate to say this, but I was hoping they would find something wrong with me because if I am fine, then my doctor had to be right. I lost my appetite first, and I knew from experience that this could only be caused by anxiety. This saddened me because it only proved to me my lack of self-awareness. After my second visit with my doctor she put me on an appetite simulant, and it worked marvelously. My appetite is back and I have almost gained all the weight back. 

It always seems that once you understand anxiety, something new always sneaks up and you have to find a way to deal with it. Another dreadful unforeseen physical ailment was sexual performance. This is probably one of the hardest things for someone with anxiety to discuss... especially men. This, however, deserves its own post, so look out for that post soon.

Please share how anxiety has challenged you mentally, physically and how it has changed you in either respect.

The Tree

My psychiatrist developed a tool to analyze situations that made me anxious and to figure out what was really bothering me My psychiatrist called it a Core-belief Chart. Below is the diagram he created.

Let's use a real life example to illustrate how it works. A year ago, my wife started a really good job and her salary was quite substantial. My wife proposed the idea that I quit my job and stay home and become a "househusband" if you will. I didn't like my job, it was stressful and just an awful place to work. If I told you the stories of what happened there you probably wouldn't believe me. Anyways, I digress; after some discussion my wife and I agreed I would quit and take over managing the household, as she would be working 60+ hours a week. When the day came to turn in my resignation I was a wreck. You would think I would have been excited to quit since I didn't like working there, but as usual my anxiety got the best of me. Let's put this example in the chart above.

Event:

• Turning in resignation to my boss

Feeling:

• Anxious - level 7 (I use a numerical 1-10 scale to rate my level of anxiety)
• Racing heart beat, rapid breathing, sweaty, upset stomach

Thoughts:

• What if I am questioned about my future plans?
• Fear of being judged for staying at home.
• Men are supposed to work and support family.
• Scared I will disappoint my boss, as I have worked here for 3 years and have lots of responsibility.

Core Belief:

• Fear; the anxiety can be read on my face.
• Incompetent because I cannot handle turning in my resignation.
• Not a man.

After quitting and practically having a panic attack, I went home and completed the chart with the information above. I told myself my core beliefs were that I wasn't a man and that I am incompetent. Most core beliefs included some sort of fear. Here was a fear that the anxiety could be seen on my face. Another common fear on my chart was fear that my wife would not love me and would leave me.

So here I was thinking I had my core beliefs all figured out, but I was wrong. I was not digging deep enough into the depths of my soul to find the real problem. I think on a subconscious level I was avoiding this. I have never been one to deal with my problems. I become easily embarrassed & ashamed and would rather hide my problems instead of facing them and finding a way to fix it.

As I mentioned in my first posts I finally figured out the real core belief is low self-confidence. It's practically non-existent actually. I like to take the Core-belief Chart and turn into another metaphor: A Tree.

The magic word here is "why". You start at the beginning and you keep asking yourself "why" over and over until you arrive at the trunk of the tree, the support for all the branches, what every part of the tree is connected to. 

The smallest branches (blue) is the anxiety, the physical and mental symptoms it is creating. 

"Why are you anxious?" I am afraid. Fear is the green circle.

"Why are you afraid?" I will be judged for my actions. Being judged is the yellow circle.

"Why do you not like being judged?" Because I fear what others think of me, and I am not confident enough to believe in myself. No self-confidence is the red circle.

As you can see each time you ask "why" it bring us to a thinker branch until we finally get to the trunk of the tree, the basis or root of all the problems above it. Now that we know what the real problem is we can find a way to deal with it. So in my case, as mentioned, I have little to no self-confidence. I can link almost every anxious moment/anxiety attack to lack of self-confidence. 

Unfortunately, it took me over year to finally figure out the root of my anxiety. I found other reasons, excuses, or just ignored it. But how does one find self-confidence? I have never really had any so I am not sure where to begin. I am trying simple things like staying positive and abstaining from self-loathing. However, I am liable to slip back into my old ways, so I am looking for something else to help. I will blog later about a self-help book I am trying, but I have yet to come up with anything else.

Please post any suggestions, as I am open to anything. Recommend exercises, self-help books, philosophical ideas, etc. I am looking forward to your responses!

The Sprial

I have always been high-strung, anxious and up tight. Even as a child I can remember being nervous in social situations, even when it involved extended family gatherings. As life went on there were more and more situations where I felt anxious. Social anxiety continued, but other situations began to stack up such as performing in band, taking test, asking girls out, and taking my girlfriend to prom to name a few. The only good thing was that once I was in the situation (i.e. showed up at the party and started interacting) the anxiety usually subsided and I would be able to enjoy myself.  Little did I know I was swimming at the cusp of a vicious vortex. It would be many years before the vortex gabbed on tight and pulled me under. 

It was 2010 when everything spiraled out of control. My wife and I got married in January and took our honeymoon in March. We took a trip to eastern Canada including Niagara Falls, Toronto and Montreal. I was excited about our trip until we stepped outside our apartment to wait for the shuttle. All of the sudden my nerves started to kick in. All I could think about was "What if we miss the plane?", "What if we can't find the hotel", "What if we get lost?" and may other negative thoughts. Then the anxiety kicked into high gear and I started to panic. I couldn't breathe, my heart was beating out of my chest, my hands and feet tingled, I was sweating and I felt extremely nauseous. This was new to me; I had never had so many physical symptoms at once or to such an extreme degree. 


Sadly, while eventually I wasn't having a panic attack, my anxiety didn't subside and was quite severe. My mind just kept racing with all the bad things that could go wrong on the honeymoon. We were gone for about 10 days and there were very few moments when I was completely relaxed. 90% of the day I was tense, anxious, my heart beating rapidly and my appetite significantly suppressed. This in turn was making me anxious as well. I was worried about my heart beating rapidly for so long and making myself sick by not eating very much. This was such a conflicting 10 days. I had never had anxiety so severe and I was so self-absorbed in the anxiety, yet on the other hand this was supposed to be one of the happiest times in my life. You only get one honeymoon and I wanted to enjoy it and savor the memories my wife and I were creating, but the anxiety was making it difficult. 


Once we came home, my anxiety came way down and I was able to relax...for a few days. A few days after returning, my wife and I were meeting a friend and our friend's friend for dinner. Meeting new people was never an easy thing for me. I usually get quite obsessed about impressing people and worrying about what they will think about me. So as expected I began to get nervous, but then I thought about what happened in Canada. I thought about how I lost control of my anxiety and how I have the potential to panic out in public and in front of people. Then panic started to kick in. It wasn’t as severe as the panic attack I had during the honeymoon, but pretty bad. I made it to dinner, barley talking and barley eating, and trying to seem happy while it was utter chaos in my mind.

 
Now unlike most situations, after the dinner was over I did not calm down. My wife and I fought that night. She knew I was panicking and wanted to talk about it, but I was so ashamed and so embarrassed about it I shut down and refused to talk to her. This is what she was angry about, not that I was panicking, but the fact that I shut down and refused to talk to her. We went to bed angry (I hate that), but the anxiety was so bad I could not sleep, my heart wouldn't slow down and my mind was racing. I got totally freaked out about the physical symptoms, woke up my wife and had her take me to the ER (probably a little over dramatic, but I was scared and didn't know what else to do.) The ER didn't do much, but they ran some test to make sure my heart was ok and gave me something to calm down, but they told me it was a panic attack and to see my primary care physician.


Ever since, panicking & severe anxiety has been a huge issue in my life. I eventually got on medication and started cognitive behavioral therapy to help. I do believe the meds and therapy is helping, but is only a small part of the healing process. For a while I hoped that the meds would be the answer to all my problems, pop a pill and everything goes away. Yeah right! Then I thought the meds combined with therapy would fix me. Again, I was disappointed that it wasn’t fixing me 100%. It took awhile for me to realize how much work I was going to have to put into this process and how much I would need to change my behavior. Now that I have a complete understanding I feel it's time to focus and make drastic changes so I pull myself out of the vortex.


How and when did anxiety become a problem for you? What methods do you use to deal with it?

The Blame Game

Well, I think I blamed everyone that I can for my psychological problems. That was the easy part, but it would be ridiculous to not hold myself accountable as well. While it might have been my parents, bullies or other factors that planted the seed, I continued to let it grow. Not only did I let it grow uncontrollably.
I knew that letting the bullies pick on me, letting my friends take advantage of me, and constantly ignoring problems and feelings was not good. These things made me feel bad, unhappy & anxious. Any rational person would put a stop to anything that makes them unhappy, but I didn't. I let the problems continue and let them fester inside until the problem metastasized into the psychological baggage I carry with me today. There are lots of things I could have done. I could have told a teacher about the bullies, I could have asked my Dad for help, albeit his absence. My mother was always trying to have a close mother and son relationship, urging me to talk all the time, but I resisted. Even if she was a cause of some of my problems, she may have helped me stop the bullies by talking to school administrators.

Why didn't I do anything? Shame and embarrassment. I don't know where I learned to harbor shame and embarrassment so intensely. I am sure I could find someone to blame. :0)  Regardless where I got it from, I was so embarrassed and ashamed that I was willing to do nothing and suffer instead. I don't know why I was embarrassed, I did not do anything wrong, I was the victim.

Suffering has become an important word for me within the last year. Sometime after my diagnosis I decided to take a meditation class that was held at a Buddhist temple, hoping I could use it as a tool to control my anxiety. It was an enjoyable experience and I am glad I did it, but the practice of mediation did not stick. However, my teacher who was a resident priest was speaking about Buddhist practices and she expressed a common motto amongst the practitioners of Zen Buddhism. "Suffering is optional". She explained that bad things happen and we have no control over the bad things happening. So we can worry about our problems we cannot fix and suffer, or we find resolutions to our problems and not suffer. It's not like I have never heard of this type of expression usually, "You can't do anything about it, so don't worry about it", but somehow this time it clicked. I think it's because I finally applied it to my anxiety and realized for the first time that I was cause of my suffering.