I Have To Play The "Daddy Issue" Card

So when did the low self esteem issues begin? When I was a child of course. Now I have to admit that the idea of me having low self esteem isn't a complete new issue. There have been many times in my life when I was aware my self-esteem was rather low. However, I don't think I knew how bad it was and how it was effecting my life. Additionally, I always thought my low self-esteem was only attributed to body issues. I have always struggled with liking my body. I have always been short, skinny and weak. I have always desired to be taller, have more muscles and look manlier. What I was ignoring was the other side of low self-esteem: attitude. I wasn't really aware of how much I was telling myself "I can't", "You'll never be good enough", "you're weak", "you're weird" etc.

Although cliché, I do blame my father for most of this. My parents divorced when I was 8 years old. Their marriage was awful from what I remember. They were constantly fighting. Insanely fighting, the kind where they were screaming at the top of their lungs, throwing things, and making home an awful place to be. They were never those parents that thought it best not to find in front of the kids. It was quite the opposite; they let it all out right there in front of my sister and me. It finally all came to and end when my Dad decided he had a enough and had an affair with a woman literally half is age. My mother found out and he was out of the house the next day.  I don't remember the divorce process being particularity long. I don't think custody was ever an issue as my Dad was the cheater and had no job at the time of the divorce so I think my father even realized he could not take care of us.

This was the beginning of my father's absence in my life. Although he only lived 45 minutes away we saw him maybe once a month if that. During my summer off from school I might spend a few days at his house. He never came to my school plays, music concerts, award ceremonies etc. He never paid child support, not a dime. To this day he still owes the state over $25,000 in back child support. My father being an extremely selfish person who can't deal with normal relationships, especially the kind where people tell him what to do so he never had a steady job after the divorce. He refused to work on the books, so everything he ever did was under the table, but as a simple laborer he never made a lot of money. My father stayed with the woman he had an affair with and within a year she was pregnant with my half sister. So now my Dad had another family, which became priority. Additionally, my father needed his money to feed his addiction to alcohol.

My father is a fairly confident person, maybe too confident. When I was younger he used to save me from the bullies (another issue we'll get to), and he tried to teach me to defend myself. However, my father is also very extreme in everything he does, so when he told to hit the bullies with 2x4's with rusty nails, something inside told me that was too extreme. Then on the other hand my mother, a complete pacifist would tell me never to fight and to go tell the teacher. I didn't know who to listen to, but then once my Dad left the choice was made for me.

While my father was extreme, I think if he was around when I was growing up I would have been eventually able to take his advice and separate the sensible from the extreme. As a 6, 7, or 8 year old I wasn't quite old enough to have a rational conversation with my father on how to handle bullies.  Also, if he was there for constant reinforcement and support, I truly feel my self-esteem would be in a much better place.