Mommy Doesn't Get Off The Hook So Easily

Just because I have daddy issues and he is the first one I blame for my low self-esteem doesn't mean my mother didn't have a part in this too. For years I used to blame my dad for the divorce since he cheated on my mom. But as I got older and began to realize the type of person my mother was I think the divorce is just as much as her fault as it is his. I am not justifying my dad's infidelity by saying she "made" him cheat, but both of my parents are terrible at relationships. It became so clear later on in life that they didn't event try to save their marriage. Both of them are very emotional people, in the extreme, and they act on their emotions without thinking about anything else. There is no way they ever sat down and tried to talk it out, work out a compromise, apologize to one another (and mean it). They just yelled and screamed and wouldn't be happy until they got their way. So 2 stubborn people unwilling to listen, talk and compromise are clearly headed for divorce.

Once I had this revelation about my mother I started thinking about other things she said or did. I tired to really evaluate the kind of person she was and not believe everything she told me. She would say lots of things that I would sort brush off and not think much of it...or so I thought. I think on some sort of unconscious level I was taking these things to heart, which was leading me down a path of self loathing.

Since I was a kid I have always known that I was different. As previously mentioned, I was always smaller, shorter, skinny and weak compared to other boys my age. Let's face it I still am! I also hated playing sports, I still do. I have no interest in playing sports, watching sports or talking about sports. When I did try and play sports it was an utter disaster. You know those kids that are afraid of the ball? You know those kids that run the wrong way on the soccer field? Yeah, that was me. These differences were always glaring me right in the face. All of my male friends and acquaintances were bigger than me and they all played sports. I always envied them; I wanted to be like them. I tried not to think about it much, but my mother made it impossible.

My mother is one of those people that is always trying to keep up appearances, constantly coveting what other people have and wishing she could be like them (geez I wonder where I get that from). My entire life she has always been comparing me to other boys my age from school, church, boy scouts, etc. Every once an awhile my mother would come and tell me I should style my hair like so-and-so because his hair looks so awesome. I should buy clothes and copy the style of the older boys at church so I could look cool too. She also constantly tried to get me to play sports, just like all the other boys. I have a vivid memory of her trying to get into street hockey. Seriously? I can't even throw a football.

Eventually as I became older I realized that she wanted a son like her friends had, not the one she had. Not only did I want to be different, but my mom wanted me to be different too. This convinced me that there was something seriously wrong with me. I tried some of her suggestions, primarily anything to do with style. I refused to even try and play sports, as prior experiences were a complete failure.

My mother is still the same, but since I am an adult now and live 2,000 miles away from her there is not much for her say. Luckily, I also set some boundaries and now understands I will not do anything she says.

I've realized what my mother did was wrong. Always telling me to be like some else and never telling me to embrace my differences. But like everything else these ideas have been ingrained inside of me. It's just another demon that needs to be cast out.

Bullies

Bullies have always been a problem since I was in elementary school. I was easy target because I was the small guy. I was shorter, skinnier, and weaker than the rest of my peers. I was always afraid of the bullies too and I never fought back. I can't decide if I was lucky or if it was extreme fear of fighting back that prevented me from ever getting the shit kicked out of me. I would get pushed around, slammed against lockers and have my lunch money taken. When you think about it, it's pretty mild compared to some stories of bullying that I hear about today.

There was a small hiatus of a couple years when I was free from bullies. The later years of elementary school was free of ridicule. Probably a combination of luck and being the oldest class on campus provided me this freedom. It's when I entered middle school that it started all over again. Once again I was at the bottom, a 6th grader, and of course still smaller than everyone else. Once the bullying started again I was mortified. It was a stage that I hoped had come and passed, but alas I was wrong. In middle school I was constantly threatened that I would get beat up if I didn't hand over lunch money. A few slams against the gym lockers was the harshest physical abuse I took, which was in the beginning so they could convey they were serious. Yes, they. There was a group of about 3-4 boys. Sometimes they would bully me together and sometimes by themselves. I didn't tell anyone, not my mom, not my dad, not the teacher, not my friends, nobody. I was so embarrassed by the ordeal I didn't want anyone to know. Now, obviously some people knew. The people that witnessed me get bullied by these guys. Some were classmates and acquaintances, but nobody I would call a friend. So I continued to let myself be bullied. It even got to the point where I would approach them and hand over money willingly just so they would leave me alone.

Unfortunately, this trend of letting people walk all over me has become a constant in my life. Although the bullying was rather mild, it was pretty traumatic. I used to dread getting up in the morning and thinking about how I would have to face them. Now, I never feared for my safety since I had worked out a plan of just handing over money, I was fairly confident I would be free from physical harm. I think I knew deep down inside what I was doing was wrong, that I was letting the bullies walk all over me, that they had trained me like a dog to just hand over money. I knew this was ridiculous, but I just kept telling myself there was nothing I could do about it. I feared if I told a teacher, it would only bring more attention to me, people might find out what was happening, maybe even my parents would find out. The embarrassment kept from telling anyone. Plus I was worried if I reported these bullies, once their punishment was over they really would come beat me up and nothing scared me more.

Here I am today 17 years or so later and I still think about those bullies. I feel that they stole a part of my life, like a portion of it was lost to them because of the fear they instilled and how they controlled me like a puppet. This is where I feel like I officially lost my spine, self-respect, self-worth and any self-esteem I did have.

I Have To Play The "Daddy Issue" Card

So when did the low self esteem issues begin? When I was a child of course. Now I have to admit that the idea of me having low self esteem isn't a complete new issue. There have been many times in my life when I was aware my self-esteem was rather low. However, I don't think I knew how bad it was and how it was effecting my life. Additionally, I always thought my low self-esteem was only attributed to body issues. I have always struggled with liking my body. I have always been short, skinny and weak. I have always desired to be taller, have more muscles and look manlier. What I was ignoring was the other side of low self-esteem: attitude. I wasn't really aware of how much I was telling myself "I can't", "You'll never be good enough", "you're weak", "you're weird" etc.

Although cliché, I do blame my father for most of this. My parents divorced when I was 8 years old. Their marriage was awful from what I remember. They were constantly fighting. Insanely fighting, the kind where they were screaming at the top of their lungs, throwing things, and making home an awful place to be. They were never those parents that thought it best not to find in front of the kids. It was quite the opposite; they let it all out right there in front of my sister and me. It finally all came to and end when my Dad decided he had a enough and had an affair with a woman literally half is age. My mother found out and he was out of the house the next day.  I don't remember the divorce process being particularity long. I don't think custody was ever an issue as my Dad was the cheater and had no job at the time of the divorce so I think my father even realized he could not take care of us.

This was the beginning of my father's absence in my life. Although he only lived 45 minutes away we saw him maybe once a month if that. During my summer off from school I might spend a few days at his house. He never came to my school plays, music concerts, award ceremonies etc. He never paid child support, not a dime. To this day he still owes the state over $25,000 in back child support. My father being an extremely selfish person who can't deal with normal relationships, especially the kind where people tell him what to do so he never had a steady job after the divorce. He refused to work on the books, so everything he ever did was under the table, but as a simple laborer he never made a lot of money. My father stayed with the woman he had an affair with and within a year she was pregnant with my half sister. So now my Dad had another family, which became priority. Additionally, my father needed his money to feed his addiction to alcohol.

My father is a fairly confident person, maybe too confident. When I was younger he used to save me from the bullies (another issue we'll get to), and he tried to teach me to defend myself. However, my father is also very extreme in everything he does, so when he told to hit the bullies with 2x4's with rusty nails, something inside told me that was too extreme. Then on the other hand my mother, a complete pacifist would tell me never to fight and to go tell the teacher. I didn't know who to listen to, but then once my Dad left the choice was made for me.

While my father was extreme, I think if he was around when I was growing up I would have been eventually able to take his advice and separate the sensible from the extreme. As a 6, 7, or 8 year old I wasn't quite old enough to have a rational conversation with my father on how to handle bullies.  Also, if he was there for constant reinforcement and support, I truly feel my self-esteem would be in a much better place.

A New Beginning.....Again.

The other night I had a fight with my wife. She tells me she wants a divorce. After the fight was over and we calmed down, she explained that she didn't really want a divorce, but she was just scared that I would always be the way I am and never change. She was worried that my anxiety would never be under control, that I would always worry about what others thought of me, and constantly find reasons to be unhappy and being her down with me.

I couldn't blame her. I always wonder what it is like to be with me and trying to deal with me and all my issues. I know it can't be easy and if she got tired of it, I could understand. Luckily, we were able to talk through it that night. My wife is totally supportive and has been a huge help since the beginning. This talk we had was a total wake up call. I am not very self aware and I didn't realize how unhappy I was and bringing my wife down with me, preventing her from being happy as well.

I have to say there have been many times that I thought I had a "wake up call" or found some clarity. Things would be good and positive for awhile, but eventually I find myself back in the pits of self-loathing, obsession, pessimism, and unhappiness. So what makes this time so different?

I think I have finally figured out my core problem. My therapist always told me that for every reason I am anxious or have a panic attack, there is a core belief that I am not facing. I need to find out what that core belief is and find a way to deal with it. This method was actually really helpful, but little did I know I was misidentifying my core belief. I was just barely scratching the surface and not digging deep into the depths of my soul. So if I was anxious or panic stricken about handling some sort of adult responsibility, I always thought my core belief was that I would anger my wife and she would leave me, because I could not handle being an adult. I know it sounds a over dramatic, but catastrophizing (not sure that's a real word, but it's what my therapist and I use) is something I do best. Create unrealistic worst case scenario's in my head and believe that it will happen.

So this entire time I thought it was all about fear of my wife leaving me, I really wasn't digging deep enough. But finally, during this fight/talk I had with my wife the other night, she pointed out as a suggestion a problem I might have. As soon as she said it, it was like a light bulb went on. It made perfect sense and could explain everything. She said maybe the reason I refuse to be happy is to garner the attention of others so they can tell me that I am fine or "normal". In other words, low self-esteem.

It's so spot on I can't believe I never though of it before. It explains why I have panic disorder, anxiety, self-loathing, and pessimism. It explains why I have ruined our wedding, our honeymoon, and countless vacations. It explains why I have sexual problems, why I am dishonest and a myriad of other problems. It all boils down to low self esteem. Therefore, if can fix that, then hopefully, just hopefully all my other problems will be fixed.

So what the plan? Well, it's still in the works but I am starting off with a self-help book. I have never read a self-help book because, frankly, I think they are all a little cheesy and written terribly. But I have to start somewhere, and you never know, maybe I will find something helpful. I am also going to try and be more self-aware, notice when I am not happy and deal with it so it only last a few hours instead of a few weeks. Lastly, I will probably share this revelation with my therapist, but I don't have an appointment for a couple months so we will see how I fare on my own for now.